Bacon Trumps Everything!

Bacon Trumps Everything 

Someone the other day was telling me that the endorphins that sugar produces are the same ones that bacon produces without the addictive properties.  I was like "are you kidding me, I am addicted to bacon like a crack whore is to crack! I’m like Tyrone Biggums for bacon!"  Let me just give you one taste - and you’ll be hooked!  Like the rest of America, I am on a diet.  No seriously, I really am.  Here is the thing, I have not cut out bacon (never!) but I have cut out sugars. At the writing of this I am down almost 25 pounds. Bacon is part of a healthy diet. ;-) No, the diet is not just bacon, although that wouldn’t be a bad thing.  *drool*  What diet am I on? I am on the Paleo diet, which allows you to eat bacon in moderation and you still lose weight.  For those who need to lose weight and your diet does not allow you to eat bacon, quit that nonsense!  ;-) Someone telling you to give up bacon is like someone telling you not to breathe!  

Look around you, everywhere you look there is bacon doing something that bacon hasn’t done before.  Recently, I witnessed bacon as a cannoli shell, that's right a cannoli shell.  Dear Lord help me! I’ve seen bacon as a taco shell, bacon wrapped grilled cheese (Yes I have tried that; and yes it was damned good), bacon cups/bowls, and the list goes on.  Social media is driving this phenomenon; everywhere you look bacon is center stage.  So all this attention begs a few questions.  Can bacon make something taste horrible?  What is it about bacon that makes us love it so much?  Does bacon have super powers?  Does bacon really trump everything?

Let’s dive deeper into the first question, can bacon make something taste horrible - only if the bacon tastes like shit.  In fact, a great bacon can make shit taste good!  Just kidding, I wouldn't waste great bacon on shit! I think the only foods that bacon would not be good on is Halal and Kosher food; and that's only because people following that diet don’t eat bacon due to religious choices (don't go crazy about that, it just means more for us).  In my 34 years of being in the restaurant / food industry, I have experimented with bacon on a lot of foods.  I can honestly say that I haven't found a single food pairing that bacon made shitty.  Well, there was that one hotel which had the world's shittiest bacon, but I blame the quality of the bacon.  If we start with a great product, the end result is likely a great dish.  As a chef, a lot of restaurant operators cut corners in an ill-conceived attempt to save money.  If you want to be known as being the best of something you need to stop your moaning about how much something costs.  Do you go to Apple and say, "I love the new iPhone but $800?!, how about $300!"  How about you go buy the new Pear phone: just like the iPhone but costs $150.  Do you really think for a second the low cost product is going to be as good or better than the iPhone?  You’re out of your mind.  There is a reason for the old saying - "ya get what you pay for"  - it’s true!  Just like in my last post, I discussed that not all bacon is created equally. This is true, but it is also subjective.  See, some people like undercooked bacon.  You know the kind: still has some redness, a bit of white, the bacon is limp, floppy, and dripping grease down your mouth, your hands, and inevitably on your shirt and pants (like a badge of fucking honor!) Then there are others who like their bacon nearly DOA: crispy, dark red meat, fat cooked through, edges starting to go black… the slice of bacon is so rigid it's like someone saluting the American Flag, Hooray Bacon! Is one better than the other? No, remember I said it was subjective - eat it how you like it.  However, I draw the line at burnt shit! If you need to eat bacon that can be carbon dated, stop eating it, you fruit loop! That’s worse than cooking a steak “well done” stop it, stop it right now!

Why is there such a love for bacon? Well, again, this is subjective - to a point.  Bacon has umami effects.  What is umami? I call it the sixth taste sense for humans.  Think about the first time you ate bacon.  (Just this morning for me - every time I eat bacon it is like the first time).  It is euphoria by the simplest definition: the saltiness, meat, the chew, the fat, the grease - warning - bacon boner! There are flavors out there that when combined give the human brain a foodgasm.  For me, bacon is simply one of those flavors.  It’s like this for a lot of people.  Sweet tooth(?) - not so much for me. If you've never experienced this climatic build up of what bacon does to the brain, it is truly magical! If the FDA realized the addictive properties of bacon, they would classify it with heroin!  In a quality slice of bacon, that isn’t burnt to a crisp, there is a delicious and unique flavor profile.  It hits all your taste sensors at once.  When fat is cooked properly, it develops a sweetness, this with the salt and umami flavours make bacon a sensory home run hit.  Next time you get to eat a high quality slice of bacon, really chew it: savor it, let the flavours mingle in your mouth, and discover how they develop as you chew.  Make love to your food!!  You’ll see why people are ga-ga over bacon, and why quality matters.  Cheap bacon is like a hookup - it might be OK - but once you've had a mindblowing relationship, nothing else comes close.  So it is with food - especially bacon.  Go ahead: ruin yourself for the good stuff.

Does bacon have super powers?  I sure think so.  If you don't believe it, stay with me.  Do you like Brussel Sprouts? Better yet do you eat vegetables in general?  Is there one vegetable out there that you think is vile?  (You know where I am going don't you?) For those of you that can’t figure it out - you are the reason why we need warning labels.  Here we go, follow along.  If I were to take a great bacon and chop it into beautiful minced yumminess and then slowly render the oil out of it and cooked that vegetable (the vile one) in said delicious grease, you would eat it.  You wouldn’t just eat it - you would call it good - pretty much guaranteed.   Now, some of you reading this are saying - "bullshit, I still wouldn't put that shit in my mouth!" Well, your parents failed you, and your closed mindedness is holding you back. You won’t even try it.  Sad. Please go hide under a rock. In fact, please for the love of g-d, stop reading my blog!!!!  This is about trying new things and learning.  

Bacon is the panacea of food!  For those here who get adventure, think about this scenario: it's raining outside… nice and gloomy, and there is suddenly a rumbley in your tumbley.  Your brain says: “hey, grilled cheese with some tomato soup would be killer right now!" Of course, your stomach goes, "holy shit balls, hellz yes!" So, off you go to make your grilled cheese - real grilled cheese, not that shit from the toaster oven: real butter, or ghee, cheese (NOT AMERICAN!), real deal bread, not shitty white bread - a nice sprouted bread, cooked in the sauté pan - proper like. You go to the refrigerator and start grabbing your mise en place (everything has its place), and as you move items around you see it, like the Holy Grail staring at you.  It’s calling to you like the ring from the Lord of Rings, precious! Clouds part, angel sing!  Bacon!  The package of bacon registers in your brain and then your stomach transmits a hailing message "ah, mission control, we see bacon.  Permission to go bat shit crazy with the grilled cheese?" Your autonomic nervous system sent the reflex signal to your hands which grabbed said bacon before the hailing transmission is even decoded.  And…you’re off.  Hands are grabbing the assemblage: bacon, cheese, bread, butter … you see some spicy sauce and now your whole body just can't wait.  You assemble the sandwich with careful efficiency - you can't rush perfection.  But, before you know it, you have your grilled cheese perched on a plate with lovely golden brown marks all over, melted yumminess stretching as you cut the sandwich in half…mmmm…. deeply inhale the golden aroma.  Then you see it: delicious bacon, staring at you seductively with cheese oozing into each sensuous curve…. and you can't resist any longer. Before you even make it to the table and sit down, you bite into the sandwich and your taste buds send that message: "Ah central control, we taste bacon, foodgasm imminent.  Evasive manouvers, engage!”  Just then, your brain hits overload, your legs almost give out on you and that foodgasmic sensation shoots (excuse the pun) through your entire body! Good bacon is transcendent, it’s that ingredient that takes things to another level.  Don’t skimp.

Let's talk for a second about scallops.  By themselves, scallops are the freaking tits, especially block scallops.  Those are scallops frozen at sea, and much better then "dry" scallops. They have a touch of sweetness, a hint of the ocean, and when cooked correctly are just incredible.  Scallops properly cooked are melt in your mouth buttery goodness.  If you overcook a scallop (slaps hand), it’s more like chewing on some foreskin (not that there’s anything wrong with that - but it’s not what’s for dinner).  A salute: to the culinary genius who first said: "hey what if we wrapped this in bacon and seared it? What do you think would happen?" Thank you, just thank you for your creativity, thank you for thinking outside the box and giving the world this amazingly tasty morsel.  We take bacon wrapped scallops for granted.  It’s my hope that soon we experiment with bacon everywhere.  If you’re thinking: I wonder if this would be better with back - I’m pretty sure you’ll find out that yes - almost everything is better with bacon.

Think about this, can you think of another food that when you add it to just about any dish, it becomes simply orgasmic?  I’ll wait while you think…(hums the jeopardy tune)….I would have to say maybe Foie Gras… maybe.  But, I don't think Foie would go well with ice cream or chocolate or a Bloody Mary.  Even truffles have their limits and real truffles cost an arm, leg, and a testicle.  Maybe fleur de sol, but that is just salt for Christ's sake, and expensive as hell as well.  Chicken schmaltz, ah… no.  As my brethren in the deep ass south use: possum grease, ah hells no. But add bacon and step back - shit just got real.  So, maybe bacon does trump everything.  It stands on its own and it enhances the flavor of practically everything it touches.  I think I just proved that bacon is clearly g-d's secret ingredient: use it liberally, use it wisely, be adventurous.  

Strawberry Balsamic, Jowl Bacon & Bourbon Shake

Chocolate flourless cake with maple glazed jowl bacon Blueberry Paper and bacon chipotle chocolate powder

Bacon Mac & Cheese

Until next time,

Your fanatical bacon foodie

#BaconCartel

Bacon Defects, wait WHAT?!?!?!

You know being the Rabbi of Pork and having #baconcartel you would think all bacon is created equal.  You go to the grocery store to get your bacon fix on, buy your bacon, cook your bacon and eat your bacon.  Life is as right as rain, correct!  Everything is better with bacon…until now.  It is time to open your eyes to what really awaits you.  Here is your first task, you have two pills to choose from, one red and one blue.  Take the red one & keep your eyes closed to what you think bacon really is.  Take the blue one, and I will open your eyes and your very existence to what bacon can really become for you!  The choice is yours.

I am glad that you took the right one, prepare yourself for the great awakening.  As you sit there reading this your body is being transported down the rabbit hole and when you finally awake from your deep slumber you’ve been put under you will see first hand what it really is to enjoy bacon.  For years you have been living in the bacon matrix and I have awoken you to the reality that is now.  You see some where twenty years ago or so there was just bacon.  Now, there is BACON!  What do I mean?  Go to your grocery store and look at all the different brands that are out there and how many different styles there are.  There is “butcher” cut, there is shingled, applewood, maple injected, sodium nitrate and phosphates and a whole slew of other ates.  There is even uncured bacon….What the hell is that?  Shall we dive deeper into the abyss?

In the retail market, the bacon manufacturers are looking to get a commodity belly out to you, the consumer as quick as possible.  Why, you may ask, PROFITS!  They know with X pieces of their bacon you will cook up that X piece package and go back for more.  Are you wondering about the word commodity - it means  what ever they can get their hands on to make the most bang for their buck!  Now, does this mean that the bellies are the best of the best and the end product is just taste bud exploding - nope!  It means a lot of times there are defects!!!!  Welcome to the truth kids.  Yes bacon has defects - MIND BLOWN  Now, you maybe thinking there can’t be defects, my Sunday morning bacon is the best and its crispy and crunchy and crackling and and and….But my young patawans, there is so much for you to learn.  Here is a for instance, ever notice when you go to a nice restaurant and they have great bacon, and then you go looking for it at the grocery store!  Have you ever found that great tasting bacon, huh have you!  No, because the wholesale market is different plain and simple.  Don’t get me wrong they get bacon that have defects but not like the grocery stores. 

Not all defects cause bacon to taste bad, per se.  To understand where some defects come from you have to know how pigs are turned into bacon.  SSSHHH IT’S MAGIC First lets start where bacon comes from, besides the pig, DUH!  Bacon comes from the belly!  It goes through a process that is cured and then smoked.  After smoking the bacon is frozen, yes frozen.  Why freeze it? So that it’s easy to slice & sell to you sell you, the average Joe consumer who does not know any better.  The standard sizing is 18 to 22 pieces per pound.  That means on average you are getting 21 pieces per pound.   Now, just like humans, not every piggy’s belly is created equally.  So, the frozen belly is sent into a machine pressed it and sliced.  Now, follow me here, pressed, that means if it is longer then the conveyor belt then it is squeezed, that squeezing causes a defect often called webbing, spidering or lacy as a result of pressing.  The fat pulls away from the meat and looks like webbing.  While this does not hamper the taste, it does affect the cooking and the texture of the product.  Fat is awesome and it adds the flavor to our taste buds, one of the reasons bacon is so addictive.  If you screw with the fat, you screw with the overall flavor.  You wouldn’t know this because you have been asleep all these years.  

Another defect called dog ears or S curves are a direct cause of this squeezing as well.  As the machine presses the belly in, it causes the ends of the bacon to either curve like an S or flop over like a dog’s ear.  Another name is called hooks, and that gives the appearance of a fishing hook.  Does this affect the flavor, well yes a little just like the webbing or lacy effect, this causes the bacon to cook unevenly which could cause the bacon to over cook, dare I say burn!!!!  Have you ever noticed black lines across the top of your bacon, and thought hey my bacon looks like a tiger? If so, you’ve eaten bacon with tiger stripes.  These are caused by injecting the meat with a curing solution or even smoke.  The injection marks remain after the curing and smoking process.  You may have noticed that the taste of the tiger striped bacon is not bad - & you’d be correct.  For the most part tiger strips do not affect the flavor profile.  Sometimes if the bacon has been injected by liquid smoke that can cause a smoker flavor which could be off putting to some.

Whew, you are hoping that is it, that there is nothing worse then that…right!  Please, for the love of g-d no more, but wait there is more! There are two more defects that really affect the over all flavor profile of bacon.  Meet the dark spot - a dark spot in the meat or fat of the bacon strip is more likely caused by stress to the animal.  A dark spot is a blood clot.  When the animal goes to get “harvested” (by the way we harvest fruits and vegetables we slaughter animals)if the animal is in distressed or is in “oh shit” mode and gets put down, there is a great chance the lactic acid caused a role in the final outcome of said piggy!  The last one is the abscess, which can be found in either the meaty part or fatty part of the bacon as well.  An abscess is caused by the same thing we get them from.  A clogged pore or a skin cell that died off and the tissue around it stops getting blood - oh my that sounds yummy!!  So, both of these defects cause a tinny or livery flavor to bacon.

What to do, what to do?  Well, you can run and become a vegan and hate yourself, or you can just use your eyes and look for the defects in the packaging.  Look to see if the meat, wait bacon has meat?  Why yes, yes it does it’s the red stuff in the raw bacon.  You want a good meat to fat ratio (so help me g-d if you do not know what fat is….stop eating bacon you don’t deserve it).  The more meat to fat the better.  The reason why is because there’s less shrinkage (George Costanza) I guess you can consider too much fat another defect because it means not enough bacon.  Look for deep dark red spots and if it has them, move on.  “But the brand I buy hides the bacon!”  Then buy another brand!  If there is too much paper and they are hiding the goods, there must be something wrong.  In other words they are spending a lot more money on marketing their shitty product then making a great product.  I guess that is another defect - marketing.  

So, where do you go from here? To the grocery store of course to buy a better bacon.  Avoid the defects and taste the difference.  Let’s face it, before now, you ate bacon because you love bacon and like me, bacon gives you a lardon!  Now, that you are finally awake, wait until I show you what I have in store for you next #baconcartel! 

The Rabbi of Pork!

“The Rabbi of Pork?” 
WHAT Wait did you just read that right? The Rabbi of Pork? Isn’t pork “not kosher”? What gives?

 My Name is Jeffrey Schlissel and I have been a professional chef over thirty years. My friends call me Cheffrey but I am also known as the Rabbi of Pork. You see I love everything about the pig especially bacon. A while back I met the Reverent of Pork, a master butcher from Blackberry farms. I introduced myself as the Rabbi of Pork. That is where this journey begIns. The religious preference I choose preaches that I not eat that delicious forbidden meat. However, this particular belief I cannot follow. You see, to me, Pork - especially bacon - is magical. But then, all food to me is magical. There is nothing in this world that can transport you back in time like food! Well, not yet at least.

 This is my new adventure, come join me on the quest for everything bacon. You may be wondering how did a Jewish kid from SOFLO get a bacon fetish? How can someone have such a love affair for bacon? There were no pig farms; and when I was a kid we were told we had to kill the pig (meaning cook it to death) so pig was not sexy, or delicious - often it was dry and bland. But Bacon(?) - Shut the front door(!) - it was like a whole different animal, literally. Juicy, tender, delicious, OMG… *mouth waters*… magic! Doctors are always telling us that too much fat in our diets will clog our arteries. First off, 2 pounds of bacon a day has not killed me yet, just kidding (maybe). Like anything - if you enjoy it within moderation you can go ahead and eat it. My fascination with bacon started when I first put it in my mouth. It sent my taste buds on this dance, nay nay, this voyage that I will never forget. Each time I eat (good) bacon I am set off on a wild adventure through my taste buds. Yes, there is such a thing as “bad bacon” (In know, I know - it’s hard to believe…), a hotel where I stayed once had free breakfast and I now know why it was free. How can someone fuck up bacon, seriously?! The chef friend I was with looked at me and said “I do not know who to call first, your rabbi or your accountant” I looked at him and waited, because with my friends there are tons of jokes. He finished with “Call your Rabbi because a Jew was eating pork or your accountant because a Jew just spit out and threw out free bacon!” LOL - comedians…. But it wasn’t even worth the free price tag. And so it is, sometimes you get what you pay for and the only way to know value is to know the product. That’s what I’m here for (and hopefully, what you’re here for also).

 I started cooking by myself in my mother’s kitchen at age 12. Once I started I didn’t stop & over thirty years later I am still in the restaurant industry. In every kitchen job I had, I always waited for the bacon to come out. I wanted to learn as much as I could about bacon and what the best ways are to cook it (btw, it is in the oven on a rack with a drip pan underneath - makes it somewhat crispy.) Then came my fascination with the different forms bacon is packed: sliced, slab, block and so on. Then, one day the whole belly walked into the kitchen, and I about shit myself right there. Who knew that bacon came from the belly of a fucking pig?, I said to myself in shock. I watched the chef prepare it and felt the love he had for it. The way the chef moved his hands over the top, the way he looked at it: it was as if it was a piece of art or the sexiest naked woman on Earth! Right then and there, I became a bacon addict! Folks, it is worse than getting hooked on heroin; and I still am (forever) a bacon addict!

 Through this blog you will gain knowledge about everything bacon. Not all bacon is created equally. I know - can you believe what you get in the market is not what restaurants get? ;-) Did you know that bacon can have defects, yes defects. But, not all defects hamper the taste of the product. These defects include: hooks, Lacy (sounds sexy, but it’s not), tiger striped bacon (injection marks), dark spots and so on. But we will get to those soon in the next couple of blogs.

 The next thing I watched the chef do was make a spice rub for it. As he mixed the seasoning in the bowl, the air became intoxicating. The smells of garlic, onion powder, cumin and other spices used, are seared into my mind. Chef then started “making love” to the belly - rubbing the spices all over it. Yes, just like you drooling with your hard-on (whether male or female) right now, I had mine watching it. It was totally pornographic! I do not even smoke but after that I wanted a cigarette! LOL Later on in my career, I was able to develop a bacon that is still being used at that restaurant. It was, and still is, a labor of love! I love pig so much that, as you can see, the profile pic on my Instagram / Twitter / Facebook pages are of my tattoo of the breakdown of a pig. If that is not irony, then I do not know what is: a jew who eats bacon and that is tattooed! When I do something I go BIG or go home! Yes, my rabbi just about shit himself when he saw that (as do many Jews when I start speaking Hebrew to them and then they get a look at my arm). I love when people look at me after they find out that I am Jewish, and then I get the look, ya know the one: “wait aren’t jews not supposed to eat bacon?” Why yes, but guess what, we aren’t suppose to get marked either - I guess Im’ an infidel. ;-) I do not get those Jews that judge me with the “how could you?” look. Shut up with that. My response is: easy, chicken is more disgusting then pig.

 I”m starting a Bacon Cartel, because it’s so good it should be illegal. I’m an infidel: I got over it, and maybe you should too. If you love bacon, this is the place for you. It is not just bacon, but now, I have a love affair with pork, in general. We (chefs) can use every last part of the animal. That is why the saying goes “snout to tail” and it works literally. You can’t do that with the cow or the lamb; if you are looking for something truly efficient and sustainable, look no further. Listen I have standards, actually very high standards. In life, there is a balance between all things - the Chinese call it Ying and Yang - in the kitchen, it’s called flavor. In my quest for knowledge of the best of pork and bacon, I look for that same balance. It takes years of honing the skill of how to spice something and be consistent. The one constant in the restaurant industry is the inconsistency in the food they produce! A real chef, a real craftsman, will reproduce that work of art time and time again. I search for this consistency, and I’ll show you how to find it yourself. With some time here, you’ll have access to my decades of knowledge and experience, and you’ll avoid the mistakes I have made, and maybe become a connoisseur of bacon as well. Remember kids, not all bacon is created equally, and in the next couple of blogs we will have two choices of pills - the red or blue one. When you choose the right one - I will help your finally open your eyes from your deep slumber and clear your misconceptions about pork! #baconmatrix

 Until next time, your Rabbi of Bacon is starting his #BaconCartel!