One does not ask where bacon comes from one just eats bacon!

True story - the other day I made bacon and the question was asked “Where did you get the bacon?” I thought “why the hell would someone ask that question?” I wanted to say “so there was this flying pig shitting bacon. I saw it and said, fuck it we are eating it!” That would not have been the right answer at all and World War Bacon would have happened. So instead I responded with “One does not ask where bacon comes from, one just eats bacon!”

In the last blog I touched on that retail bacon is total different from the wholesale or restaurant side of things. Mass production and the almighty profit rules that reason why! But what really makes the difference? Is it okay to ask where your bacon comes from? Is there anything written in the bacon bible about this bacon etiquette? Will Porky, the god of bacon, strike thee down for asking such a question? Why is it that retail bacon is so much different then wholesale?

Well my bacon disciples, like I said it is profit that fuel these monster companies. I have started to see, in the local markets here in SOFLO, that there is now a “butcher cut” - sounds better right? Wrong! How about all natural everyone is jumping on that wagon. Can bacon be all natural? It comes from an all natural product but it is in the processing of that product that changes shit dramatically. Sodium Nitrate to me is the enemy of the state! There are so many chemicals in our food that if we talked about them all you would never ever be able to stop reading this blog – ever. I think sodium nitrate is a cheap bullshit way of doing things. It is a way for the all mighty profit companies to pump shit into bacon to masses in the bacon matrix!

Here is your first test. Which pill would you take - the red or the blue? One will put you back to sleep, never knowing the truth about bacon, and the other one will awaken you to whole new world. The choice is yours Neo!

So, if you are still reading, welcome to the awakening. As early as the Roman Empire there has been a form of bacon. Now, the question is, did the Romans have sodium nitrate? Ah, I think I will go out on a limb here and say nay! Again, remember from my last post, the great and powerful OZ, I mean USDA, tells us if the product does not have sodium nitrate in it then it MUST be called uncured! What the fuck does that mean, seriously! Folks lets face it, bacon is CURED no matter what. SALT cures. Kosher salt does the trick, not this fucking chemical bullshit. Ya know what else has sodium nitrate occurring in it naturally? Celery juice. That’s right, that shit they put out with blue cheese for your greasy ass chicken wings or that stalk that you never touch in your bloody Mary. Fucking celery has natural occurring, I repeat, NATURAL occurring sodium nitrate. Now, you may ask “BaconCartel, why don’t the bacon companies use that instead of sodium nitrate? Ask them, by not buying their product. Change the way they produce their food for you. You, the consumer, have that power. Start demanding better products at a reasonable price. They use commodity pork bellies – children, that means whatever kind of heritage pork they can get their hands on. What is heritage pork - a type of breed - like Duroc - Berkshire (In Japan  the region of Kurbota known for using the breed) — Mulefoot - (for my Jewish friends and family this happens to meet kosher requirements, praise Moses) - Yorkshire - Danish - Black Iberian - Mangalitsa (the wagyu of pork). So, this happens, the pigs are fed in mass feedings and they are fed a standard diet and then slaughtered. But since you all are chefs and food critics because of the Food Network, you know that wagyu is a type and Kobe is the region where the meat comes from. It is the style or the way the animal is raised that sets it apart from other cows. Just like all Duroc is not created equally. Just like we humans are not created equally. It is what we feed our animals that gives us the end result. So, those farmers that raise pigs with love and attention to detail are those that are creating true bacon today.

As I said in my last post, I made our own bacon. It was truly a love affair, 48 hour love affair. One day to brine, one day to “marinate”, and one day to cook. I used my favorite wood at that time to smoke the bacon and we went through a shit ton. How much is a shit ton? fucking A LOT when the product took 48 fucking hours to make. On average, we were going through almost 100 pounds a week during season. Now, mind you, it did not help that the General Manager would eat about 2 pounds of the new product every 2 fucking days we made it. That’s not to mention the rest of my kitchen staff helping themselves to it as well. Why was the product so goddamn good? First, the love we put into it. Second the standards we had for what product we would buy. We spent money up front for better product so that the end result was the best shit we could put out.

You may be asking yourself where the hell can I get great bacon from? Well, besides a butcher, wait do those still exist? Here in SOFLO we do not have any that I would trust.  Butchers are a dying breed just like great bacon makers. That said, there is only one guy I would get his bacon from, but I am not revealing my source, my pretties. If you all started calling him then I would not get my bacon fixed either.

When you look at bacon, look for that meaty part that runs through from end to end. Wait, your meaty part does not, it has very little meat. That pink line is small or not really there. Or you have one huge lump of shit on one end and nothing on the other, even in the middle? You need to look for meat to fat ratio that is almost even. But here is the problem, when you are at the market, can you see all of the bacon in the package? Is there marketing bullshit blocking your view to find the wholly grail of bacon? Herein lies another problem with bacon manufactures, those fucktards hide behind paper, literally. I want good meat to fat ratio because I like my bacon to have minimal shrinkage (insert your own joke here). More fat, more grease, more rendering, more George Costanza (look it up)!

The lower the count per pound also dedicates the mouth feel of your bacon. 18 to 20 is a lot different from 11 to 13. For those that get participation trophies here is what that means: 11 to 13 slices per pound means it is thicker cut then the 18 to 20. There is an average standard (just like there is average standard in men, so I have heard ). I have to mention this cause I just thought of it, turkey is not bacon nor will it ever be looked as such on this blog. If you even bring up turkey bacon - I will pull a TAKEN on you, if you know what I mean (I’m still horrified that my editor eats that crap, but she works for cheap, so I’ll let it slide. For now.). Also, cooked bacon - go fuck yourself, better yet go take your head, place in between the sliding glass door and have someone shut hard 15 times on your head! If you like bacon already cooked, congrats, you are the reason we have warning labels on our products. Some of you may work for Hormel or know about Hormel’s new product Bacon1 - stop reading now and do the same thing with your head in the sliding glass door! Does cooked bacon have a place? Sure, in my house it is in the garbage! But if an operator say someone like a sub shop that does not have culinary experienced people, then yes it has its place. But when I come in - 86 the bacon please or better yet, I will have the blank sub please. Oh another one that is fanfuckingtastic - low sodium bacon - hmmmmmm is that like being sort of pregnant? Are you fucking kidding me? That’s like going down the milk aisle where there is almond milk or soy milk. I am sorry, but the last time I looked soy and almonds do not have nipples, hence they are not fucking milk! Low sodium bacon - please stand up and leave the conversation!

The bottom line is that, we the consumer have to demand better package, better ingredients from our manufactures. What we really need is a super hero called a Butcher (like Leon, the end all be all of butchers in Pembroke Pines, FL, in the 70s)! Someone who has pride in their work, someone that has the love for all things bacon to produce a product that we need to all get it. Someone that the product is so goddamn good that it should be illegal! Someone…wait. We need BaconCartel :)