Bacon Trumps Everything!

Bacon Trumps Everything 

Someone the other day was telling me that the endorphins that sugar produces are the same ones that bacon produces without the addictive properties.  I was like "are you kidding me, I am addicted to bacon like a crack whore is to crack! I’m like Tyrone Biggums for bacon!"  Let me just give you one taste - and you’ll be hooked!  Like the rest of America, I am on a diet.  No seriously, I really am.  Here is the thing, I have not cut out bacon (never!) but I have cut out sugars. At the writing of this I am down almost 25 pounds. Bacon is part of a healthy diet. ;-) No, the diet is not just bacon, although that wouldn’t be a bad thing.  *drool*  What diet am I on? I am on the Paleo diet, which allows you to eat bacon in moderation and you still lose weight.  For those who need to lose weight and your diet does not allow you to eat bacon, quit that nonsense!  ;-) Someone telling you to give up bacon is like someone telling you not to breathe!  

Look around you, everywhere you look there is bacon doing something that bacon hasn’t done before.  Recently, I witnessed bacon as a cannoli shell, that's right a cannoli shell.  Dear Lord help me! I’ve seen bacon as a taco shell, bacon wrapped grilled cheese (Yes I have tried that; and yes it was damned good), bacon cups/bowls, and the list goes on.  Social media is driving this phenomenon; everywhere you look bacon is center stage.  So all this attention begs a few questions.  Can bacon make something taste horrible?  What is it about bacon that makes us love it so much?  Does bacon have super powers?  Does bacon really trump everything?

Let’s dive deeper into the first question, can bacon make something taste horrible - only if the bacon tastes like shit.  In fact, a great bacon can make shit taste good!  Just kidding, I wouldn't waste great bacon on shit! I think the only foods that bacon would not be good on is Halal and Kosher food; and that's only because people following that diet don’t eat bacon due to religious choices (don't go crazy about that, it just means more for us).  In my 34 years of being in the restaurant / food industry, I have experimented with bacon on a lot of foods.  I can honestly say that I haven't found a single food pairing that bacon made shitty.  Well, there was that one hotel which had the world's shittiest bacon, but I blame the quality of the bacon.  If we start with a great product, the end result is likely a great dish.  As a chef, a lot of restaurant operators cut corners in an ill-conceived attempt to save money.  If you want to be known as being the best of something you need to stop your moaning about how much something costs.  Do you go to Apple and say, "I love the new iPhone but $800?!, how about $300!"  How about you go buy the new Pear phone: just like the iPhone but costs $150.  Do you really think for a second the low cost product is going to be as good or better than the iPhone?  You’re out of your mind.  There is a reason for the old saying - "ya get what you pay for"  - it’s true!  Just like in my last post, I discussed that not all bacon is created equally. This is true, but it is also subjective.  See, some people like undercooked bacon.  You know the kind: still has some redness, a bit of white, the bacon is limp, floppy, and dripping grease down your mouth, your hands, and inevitably on your shirt and pants (like a badge of fucking honor!) Then there are others who like their bacon nearly DOA: crispy, dark red meat, fat cooked through, edges starting to go black… the slice of bacon is so rigid it's like someone saluting the American Flag, Hooray Bacon! Is one better than the other? No, remember I said it was subjective - eat it how you like it.  However, I draw the line at burnt shit! If you need to eat bacon that can be carbon dated, stop eating it, you fruit loop! That’s worse than cooking a steak “well done” stop it, stop it right now!

Why is there such a love for bacon? Well, again, this is subjective - to a point.  Bacon has umami effects.  What is umami? I call it the sixth taste sense for humans.  Think about the first time you ate bacon.  (Just this morning for me - every time I eat bacon it is like the first time).  It is euphoria by the simplest definition: the saltiness, meat, the chew, the fat, the grease - warning - bacon boner! There are flavors out there that when combined give the human brain a foodgasm.  For me, bacon is simply one of those flavors.  It’s like this for a lot of people.  Sweet tooth(?) - not so much for me. If you've never experienced this climatic build up of what bacon does to the brain, it is truly magical! If the FDA realized the addictive properties of bacon, they would classify it with heroin!  In a quality slice of bacon, that isn’t burnt to a crisp, there is a delicious and unique flavor profile.  It hits all your taste sensors at once.  When fat is cooked properly, it develops a sweetness, this with the salt and umami flavours make bacon a sensory home run hit.  Next time you get to eat a high quality slice of bacon, really chew it: savor it, let the flavours mingle in your mouth, and discover how they develop as you chew.  Make love to your food!!  You’ll see why people are ga-ga over bacon, and why quality matters.  Cheap bacon is like a hookup - it might be OK - but once you've had a mindblowing relationship, nothing else comes close.  So it is with food - especially bacon.  Go ahead: ruin yourself for the good stuff.

Does bacon have super powers?  I sure think so.  If you don't believe it, stay with me.  Do you like Brussel Sprouts? Better yet do you eat vegetables in general?  Is there one vegetable out there that you think is vile?  (You know where I am going don't you?) For those of you that can’t figure it out - you are the reason why we need warning labels.  Here we go, follow along.  If I were to take a great bacon and chop it into beautiful minced yumminess and then slowly render the oil out of it and cooked that vegetable (the vile one) in said delicious grease, you would eat it.  You wouldn’t just eat it - you would call it good - pretty much guaranteed.   Now, some of you reading this are saying - "bullshit, I still wouldn't put that shit in my mouth!" Well, your parents failed you, and your closed mindedness is holding you back. You won’t even try it.  Sad. Please go hide under a rock. In fact, please for the love of g-d, stop reading my blog!!!!  This is about trying new things and learning.  

Bacon is the panacea of food!  For those here who get adventure, think about this scenario: it's raining outside… nice and gloomy, and there is suddenly a rumbley in your tumbley.  Your brain says: “hey, grilled cheese with some tomato soup would be killer right now!" Of course, your stomach goes, "holy shit balls, hellz yes!" So, off you go to make your grilled cheese - real grilled cheese, not that shit from the toaster oven: real butter, or ghee, cheese (NOT AMERICAN!), real deal bread, not shitty white bread - a nice sprouted bread, cooked in the sauté pan - proper like. You go to the refrigerator and start grabbing your mise en place (everything has its place), and as you move items around you see it, like the Holy Grail staring at you.  It’s calling to you like the ring from the Lord of Rings, precious! Clouds part, angel sing!  Bacon!  The package of bacon registers in your brain and then your stomach transmits a hailing message "ah, mission control, we see bacon.  Permission to go bat shit crazy with the grilled cheese?" Your autonomic nervous system sent the reflex signal to your hands which grabbed said bacon before the hailing transmission is even decoded.  And…you’re off.  Hands are grabbing the assemblage: bacon, cheese, bread, butter … you see some spicy sauce and now your whole body just can't wait.  You assemble the sandwich with careful efficiency - you can't rush perfection.  But, before you know it, you have your grilled cheese perched on a plate with lovely golden brown marks all over, melted yumminess stretching as you cut the sandwich in half…mmmm…. deeply inhale the golden aroma.  Then you see it: delicious bacon, staring at you seductively with cheese oozing into each sensuous curve…. and you can't resist any longer. Before you even make it to the table and sit down, you bite into the sandwich and your taste buds send that message: "Ah central control, we taste bacon, foodgasm imminent.  Evasive manouvers, engage!”  Just then, your brain hits overload, your legs almost give out on you and that foodgasmic sensation shoots (excuse the pun) through your entire body! Good bacon is transcendent, it’s that ingredient that takes things to another level.  Don’t skimp.

Let's talk for a second about scallops.  By themselves, scallops are the freaking tits, especially block scallops.  Those are scallops frozen at sea, and much better then "dry" scallops. They have a touch of sweetness, a hint of the ocean, and when cooked correctly are just incredible.  Scallops properly cooked are melt in your mouth buttery goodness.  If you overcook a scallop (slaps hand), it’s more like chewing on some foreskin (not that there’s anything wrong with that - but it’s not what’s for dinner).  A salute: to the culinary genius who first said: "hey what if we wrapped this in bacon and seared it? What do you think would happen?" Thank you, just thank you for your creativity, thank you for thinking outside the box and giving the world this amazingly tasty morsel.  We take bacon wrapped scallops for granted.  It’s my hope that soon we experiment with bacon everywhere.  If you’re thinking: I wonder if this would be better with back - I’m pretty sure you’ll find out that yes - almost everything is better with bacon.

Think about this, can you think of another food that when you add it to just about any dish, it becomes simply orgasmic?  I’ll wait while you think…(hums the jeopardy tune)….I would have to say maybe Foie Gras… maybe.  But, I don't think Foie would go well with ice cream or chocolate or a Bloody Mary.  Even truffles have their limits and real truffles cost an arm, leg, and a testicle.  Maybe fleur de sol, but that is just salt for Christ's sake, and expensive as hell as well.  Chicken schmaltz, ah… no.  As my brethren in the deep ass south use: possum grease, ah hells no. But add bacon and step back - shit just got real.  So, maybe bacon does trump everything.  It stands on its own and it enhances the flavor of practically everything it touches.  I think I just proved that bacon is clearly g-d's secret ingredient: use it liberally, use it wisely, be adventurous.  

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Until next time,

Your fanatical bacon foodie

#BaconCartel